Brief disclaimer: None of the Mary Sues mentioned in this story are owned by me (thankfully), and if anyone takes offense I will have this deleted.

  • Drumroll*

Narrator: And now, live from Cape Suzette….We bring you, uh……What was that cue-card again? Oh! Oh yes, right, right…..Live from Cape Suzette we bring you the Karnage Comedy Hour!

  • Canned applause, the black screen fades*

The show opens to reveal a red wolf sitting alone at a table in a Cape Suzette television studio, looking bored. He is dressed arrogantly in a dark blue waistcoat, gray breeches, and painstakingly-shined black boots. With a sigh, he drums his claws on the table’s plain wood surface and glanced at pile of stapled manuscripts in front of him, labeled FANFICTIONS. He is really not looking forward to reading these.

Karnage: “Greetings and salivations you audience-type persons and welcome to de Karnage comedy hour….”

  • Still looks morose*

“I am knowing you might be wondering why my spectacularious self is looking so meeserable and down-een-dejunkyard, but you see, I have been requested to look over dese…… Fanfeections.”

  • Dangles the papers between two fingers*

Canned audience: AWWWW! :(

Karnage: And because of dat, I weel be holding off on de reviews. For now, I am having much more eemportant theengs to deescuss! Yes, de most seemply awe-inspiring ideas ever to come from my breelliant mind. And I AM breelliant, yes-no?

Canned audience: *Some applause*

  • Karnage bows*

“At-hem…..What ees eet our cheeldren are leestening to dese days?”

Karnage: “Dat one boy, Justin Beaver, I am theenking hees name was….”

  • Scowls*

“Hees voice sounds as though some person had geeven a gorilla bird a voice seenthesizer! He must be a castrato!”

  • Shakes his head*

“Museec dese days has gone to de dodos…. Een fact….. Who WAS dat person who heet Justin de Beaver on de head with de water bottle? De deserve a medal!”

Karnage (cont’d): “Eet is probably true he got dat woman Maria pregnant, and about half of hees eensignifcant leetle fanbase…… Now eef only dat assassination attempt hadn’t failed…..”

  • By now, Karnage is so thoroughly disgusted with Bieber he could find nothing else to say about that disreputable little brat who was never going to hit puberty even by the time he was forty, so he moves on to the fanfictions*

  • Karnage reads a few of the fanfictions off the top, his eyes grow huge*

Karnage: What een eenfierna ees dees garbage?! These poor, poor ladies (assuming it was ALL females who wrote them…..) must have be very seeck een de mind.

  • Karnage blinks. A newspaper suddenly appears in front of him, opened. Karnage sees a very large ad that takes up about half the page featuring the words: Mental Ward for Bad Writers, superintendent Dr. J. Depp*

Karnage: Depp…. Depp…. Now where have I heard dat name before? Oh yes, he was in dat movie about Pirates as….. Jack de Swan. Si, si, dat was eet.

  • pause*

Karnage: A looney bin-type place for dese poor misguided ‘writers’, very interesting…

  • In a puff of smoke, Karnage suddenly finds himself at said facility. A tall man wearing brightly-colored art-deco style clothing, a pirate hat, and wearing a brass pocket watch is standing beside him. It is none other than the infamously quirky Johnny Depp*

Depp: Well, if it isn’t Don Karnage! And what, man, brings you to this unfortunate collection of human misery?

  • Karnage looks around and grows increasingly nervous*

Karnage: Senor, I had only read of dees place een de paper, I---

Depp: And do you realize I’m currently needed on the set of Dark Shadows?! I’ve got to go, but mind the loonies.

  • Depp vanishes. Karnage looks terrified and fearfully glances around the room*

Karnage: Um….. greetings and salivations….

  • Karnage threads his way through the room, keeping his distance from the assorted oddities in the room, among them: A male stoat sitting in the corner, in a straightjacket, rocking back and forth and muttering about rabies and giant polar bears. There is also a manacled tan vixen with a squirrel-like tail and flyaway blonde hair (who even has manacles over her EYES!), and a few other female canines who seemed to be surrounded by rainbow glows. Rounding out this freak show is a black weasel whose arms are tied behind his back. As soon as he is out of the room, Karnage slams the door behind him and notices a table in front of him, upon which is a thick, black book….*

Karnage: I wonder what dees might be about…..

  • Karnage hesitantly opens to the first page. It appears to be a listing of various misdemeanors achieved by the authors and their characters to be committed to this facility: Usage of Mary Sues, abuse of canon characters, god-modding, emo writing and other similar charges*

Karnage: Eediots. No wonder dey are de word!

  • A moment later, Karnage promptly reappears at the television studio. He glances at the clock on the wall and is alarmed at how much time has passed*

Karnage: It seems, my lovely ladies and plundering protégés, that the time has come for me to be saying adios. However….. I STEEL have a few things to say about dat Bieber!

Karnage (singing): Justin de Beaver, will he ever hit puberty? I am thinking…… Never!

  • His voice can still faintly be heard as the credits roll*